When I made the decision to leave my life in Calgary and head to Toronto as the jumping off point to whatever was next for me in life I knew that a buffer time was going to be incredibly important. What I mean by that is, a time to process leaving before the pressure of jumping into the next steps. I had been accepted to participate in a Community Change Festival hosted by an awesome organization called the Tamarack Institute, in Toronto nine days after finishing work. It was great timing because it was a good incentive to get to Toronto and not stall in Calgary too long. As well I would learn about some local initiatives and inevitably meet interesting people in my new city. However, this time crunch did not leave a lot of space for my 'buffer time'. The ping of how to spend my nine days came to me a few weeks before my departure - I would camp my way across the country. I would make the drive by myself and between the driving and the camping that would give my plenty of space to process leaving before jumping into the next steps.

Camping is a lot of work. It takes a lot of time to assemble and disassemble the tent and the rest of the site. It also happened to be raining pretty much my entire journey across Canada so I had the added work of choosing a location where I could string a tarp over my tent to keep me dry. On my third night, I made it to Sleeping Giant Provincial Park which is on the tip of a peninsula jutting out into Lake Superior, just outside of Thunder Bay, ON. It had been raining all day and I remember driving through the woods towards the Provincial Park in the pouring rain wondering if I would ever get there on this windy road, feeling pretty isolated, as happened a lot in Northern Ontario, and in the pouring rain. I arrived just as there was a break in the rain and I had just enough time to get my tent and tarp set up before dark set in and the rain began again. The site was literally on the edge of the lake. I watched the finish of the sun setting over Lake Superior and then I crawled into my tent to get a good night's sleep. As I laid there and heard a rustling at my head I suddenly realized I was not at all familiar with the wildlife in the area. I had no idea what my current risk level was. I was suddenly remembering how isolating the drive out to the park had been, the fox I had seen crossing the road, the deer I had seen as I entered the campground and I felt the fear rise up. Were there bears here? What about cougars? I was in that space for a few moments and then I remembered a few things:

• I remembered the time I solo camped in the Serengeti listening to the lions roaring outside my tent and thinking I didn't need a bio break that badly after all.

• I remembered the time some friends and I slept in the car in Bosnia because we could not afford the car rental and the accommodation. One night we woke up to a very creepy truck driver parked next to us and staring in at us. We relocated our car in the middle of the night.

• I remembered walking down a dark road in rural Uganda where the local matatu (bus) dropped me off, looking for my hostel after a day spent white water rafting on the White Nile.

• I remembered the time sleeping on the floor of a train station in Croatia amongst the others who had nowhere to sleep that night as the train station was the one of the only buildings open through the night.

I laid in the tent and started laughing aloud at how ridiculous my fear was. Sometimes I forget about all the seemingly crazy things I have done and I wondered when will I have conquered fear enough to prove to myself that I actually do not need to be afraid anymore. When will I see myself as the capable woman that I am and trust that I will not step where I cannot walk?

Elizabeth Gilbert writes this passage in her book Big Magic describing fear like the character in the movie Inside Out. She talks about fear as sounding the alarm and preventing us from taking the risk. Liz talks about the way to deal with fear is to integrate it into yourself but do not let it drive.

In that moment in the tent listening to what was probably a squirrel rustling at my head, I acknowledged my fear and I then I banished it to the backseat. You will not drive and you will not navigate us through this life, Fear. You will always be a part of me and that is okay. I will not leave you behind - after all you keep me alert and aware. But - I got this. This is nothing. We have experienced much more fear-worthy moments and come out the other side not only unscathed but much stronger. I am driving - we will be okay.

References:

Gilbert, Elizabeth. Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear (2015).

**Pic - Sleeping Giant Provincial Park, Lake Superior