I am a master visioner. Is that even a word? Well anyway - it is what I do. I see in possibilities and I create visions out of them. I do this with people, collectives, organizations and systems. I find it exhilarating to imagine all of the possibilities and what kind of a vision they can create - it lights me up. As someone who does this, I re-envision my own life constantly. I remember that limiting question we ask children, as if it is a sentence they will carry out for their life, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Me? I did not know what I wanted to be but I wanted to DO a hundred different things and the prospect of having to choose one gave my young heart palpitations. I remember the crushing weight on my chest as a teenager realizing life was too short to be able to do all the things I wanted to do. I remember specifically after learning how many countries there were in the world and realizing that I would never physically be able to visit all of them in my lifetime how panic-inducing that was for me. I could not sleep for months ruminating on that. Well actually, that may be an overstatement - I have always been a pretty good sleeper, but I definitely thought about it a lot and battled that panic feeling whenever it crossed my mind. Every door that anyone ever pointed out to me in this world unlocked visibility for me to see hundreds more.

It is interesting and also important that I am in the space I find myself in now. There is not enough information about where my life is headed next to be able to have any sort of tangible vision for the future. Don’t get me wrong - I am trying - but the visions are abstract now and show up in disconnected pieces. There are many shapes, but nothing is fully formed enough to chase. It is leaving me in this space of forcing me to just be with possibility instead of trying to create something out of it. It has been a challenge to relax into, and I am still learning how. It is forcing me to be in a divergent stage for longer instead of rushing to quickly converge. Truly anything is possible right now.

I am pretty adept at navigating ambiguity or sitting with and/or navigating lack of clarity. I think this is another one of my super skills. However, even when variables are uncertain there is usually some version of a vision that I am navigating gently towards. Not this time though - this time I have reached next level disruptor for myself. It is like when you are cleaning out your basement or your garage, and you have to pull everything out to see what is there before you clear it up and reorganize. Inevitably the mess gets worse before it gets better. This time I have metaphorically pulled everything out of the garage AND the basement as well as the rest of the house. I am sitting in the middle of it and before I start to work my Marie Kondo magic on the pile of stuff I have found in my house, I am still going to open up the shed out back and the storage unit offsite and unpack even more. What I am doing is the antithesis of “chewable chunks.” It is totally uncomfortable. It is totally going deeper than I have ever gone.

During all my unpacking and unraveling some days what I unearth is really incredible. Some days it is pleasantly surprising and empowering. And some days it is really really dark and crappy. Those old memories or triggers from years ago that I had neatly tucked away - they are in these corners too. On those days I am learning to practice self-compassion. I do not ridicule myself for not leaving the apartment - I just sit with that too. I remind myself that this is part of it. We take the exhilarating with the ucky. It is part of this journey. I also remind myself that I chose this. I want to do this. I want to examine what is there so that it does not pop up later, unexpectedly, and take control of my life when the stakes are high. I also remind myself that I have built the muscle for this. I have had years of practicing being in this uncomfortable space to increasing depth and risk level.

I recently found a letter that I had written to myself nearly a decade ago. It was full of my fears in the world and the gremlins I was surrounded by at that time were really consuming - think post University when reality does not even come close to meeting expectation. I realized how much I have embraced and sedated those little friends and packed them into the trunk to come along for the ride. Those gremlins are still with me, but they rarely navigate or drive anymore. There has been growth, there has been progress. I love unearthing those reminders of how far I have come because it makes the case to keep going. It is hard work, digging into your closets and working with what you find there, and it is totally worth it.

On a practical note, how do I handle sitting with the unknown day to day. Here are my strategies:

1) The lists. I have two lists of items that I can refer to if I feel like I am spiraling to an unproductive place. One is titled “what will I do when I get there” the other is titled “self-care and coping.” Because I have been through spaces like this before, although not to this depth, I knew myself enough to be able to predict some of the thought patterns that may come up for me. The first list I created because I knew going through the process of disconnecting and leaving Calgary would be difficult and that by the time I made it through the drive and to the other side of the country I might forget what I wanted to do when I got here. The other list is reminders of what things help me to feel better - in case I feel a bit beat up by the journey. (This might seem a little unnecessary to you - why do I have to write down the things that make me feel better - I already know that. It is necessary because when you are in the place where you are going toe to toe with your gremlins you do not always have access to the same parts of your brain and you likely will not be able to remember what makes you feel better. Hot tip: write this list when you are feeling great! ) Both lists were created about 6 months ago and I have not had to refer to either yet - to be honest I do not remember what is on either one of them. However it makes me feel safe because I know they are there for me when I need them.

2) Writing. By journaling I am able to get what is in my brain out on to a page. This is incredibly helpful in gaining clarity of thought and perspective. It also helps to interrupt any looping thought patterns that I have. In addition once my brain is empty, I can more easily pay attention to my heart and gut - emotions and intuition are so valuable in times of transition.

3) Supportive people. The people I have been surrounding myself with at this time have been incredibly encouraging in my journey. Not everyone can handle watching the ambiguity, the stumbling and what may seem like inadequate productivity - I totally understand that. However, I have enough of my own gremlins to manage on this front so the deeper I get into it, the more challenging I find it to manage other’s reactions. Seeking support from those I know can handle the space I am in has been critical. I am so grateful for these people in my life.

4) Healthy food and exercise. I signed up for a transformation challenge through an incredible online platform ELXfit. It is a local Calgary community platform focused on quick impactful workouts and wholefood eating that I have participated in for over a year. I had completed one of Charly’s challenges before and had incredible gains with it in terms of shifting my lifestyle and thought patterns around wellness as well as weight and fitness level. Why would I sign up for a healthy habit forming challenge at a time when I have larger priorities? Health is always a priority for me and I could not figure out what building healthy habits looks like when you do not have a routine to attach them to. I know that the elements of exercise and nourishing food are cornerstones for me in being able to manage any stress in my life and I was worried that without a daily routine I would quickly lose these habits. Joining the challenge was important because it is helping me to anchor my life around something. (Quick note: I did not want this challenge to become a distraction from going deep - I had to be very mindful to not allow it to become all-consuming.)

5) Straight up running followed by sauna and meditation. On the days when I am so overwhelmed, I cannot focus and my chest is tight with an anxious feeling - I run. I run hard until the anxious energy starts to dissipate. When I have burned enough energy that I can breathe again, I head to the sauna and take up a meditative practice. It is challenging at first but by the end of the session it feels like I have reestablished the calm and I can carry on with my day.

References:

Kondo, Marie. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (2014).

Picture

This is where I like to sit on early mornings and watch the city of Toronto wake up. I am learning to relax into sitting still with possibility and having a good vantage point to observe the world helps!