Getting Acquainted with the Deeper Gremlins

I have not posted in a while. This is not because I have not been writing, but because the last couple of months have been messy. Messy in the most beautiful and necessary ways. Every time I try to express the depths of the experiences I have had in a shareable format, my internal gremlin argues that either I am not making a point, or I am not articulate enough with my thought. This causes me to become uncertain about what to say that would be useful to put into the world. I go through phases where, when I think about anyone reading the things that I write about, it stifles my ability to find my voice and say things as truthfully as I am feeling them. This gremlin is not new to me. I am actually well acquainted with this part of myself. We have been wrestling for years now in different venues where I have tried to use my voice. Although sometimes she still holds me back, mostly I feel that I am getting better at putting this part of myself in the passenger seat. Typically it is only a matter of time before I wrestle out of her grasp and find my voice again. I thought this was the case with my current posting hiatus and eventually it would pass.

Recently, I was sharing this ongoing struggle and where I am at with a friend. And then I found myself going on to say that I feel that anything I am writing is not worth sharing until I have made it to the other side. Whomp - there it was. It was one of the moments where saying it aloud clicks it into place. What? How could this be? It is not just the challenge of articulating the depth of these experiences that is preventing me from sharing, but it is also the hidden gremlin I apparently have that what I am doing with my time is not 'good enough' in some way. It was one of those flash of insight moments that causes you to reevaluate your truths.

As I was recovering from discovering this surprise little gremlin, I started asking myself what is the 'other side' for this part of me? Is it a full time job with a snappy title that I can easily rattle off in an elevator pitch? Is it a regular pay cheque with a specific number on it? What exactly is the measuring stick that this part of me has? As far as I am consciously concerned, I am already living every day as I want. 8 months ago I wrote down on a sticky note what my ideal day would look like. For nearly the last 5 months every day has pretty much reflected the activities written on that sticky note. Sure I have work to do on the lakefront view and the standup paddle board break - but pretty much everything else is already spot on. About 6 weeks after I drove away from my previous life, I recall saying to a friend of mine as she was about to take her own leap: "I am doing it. I am living the life I dreamt about. It feels amazing and I am so grateful." I was baffled. How, if this is truth for me, could this little part of me have such a different measuring stick for what success looks like in my life. And where the heck has she been hiding? How has she been influencing me in other ways? This was a powerful point of reflection and then integration for me.

As I reflect on this contradiction in myself, I am struck by two things. First of all, how deep seated society's framework for what success looks like is. Here I am living every day exactly as I choose and yet, I can still feel, in a hidden part of me that it does not measure up to what societal expectations of that success look like. #mindfuck #sorrylanguage #buttruly The other thing that struck me about this realization is that sometimes the part of you that you think is holding you back is not actually the thing holding you back - maybe there is more. It might be worth taking another look.

An ongoing discovery for me in the last few months has been the layers of the different parts of me that govern how I move through the world. I term these fear-based voices gremlins because it allows me to characterize, manage and eventually play with them. What I have discovered is that there are typically a couple of gremlins that are the loudest and most prominent. They are often present, although not exclusively, when you find yourself reacting to a situation, feeling triggered, starting something new or needing to make a big decision. Once you start to get acquainted with these big guys and develop strategies to manage and play with them, then you start to discover that there are more - they are smaller and more deeply rooted gremlins. You may not have realized they were there because they never had much of a voice previously - the loud ones took up all the space. But they are there, deep inside of you. They are influencing your beliefs and driving your unconscious actions. I have slowly been discovering these guys and they do not cease to surprise me when they pop up. They are unexpected and they are usually telling me stories that are in complete opposition to how I consciously think.

 As I am getting acquainted with this new gremlin, and not letting it drive my actions by seeking to again share my journey - I am wondering, where are you being held back? What is everything that voice is telling you? Sometimes it can be helpful to write it down to get a full scope of everything you are being told. If you think you already have a good sense of this, is it worth taking a look again? Is where you think you are being held back where you are actually being held back? Is there something more?

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You think you understand what is around you but there is more under that water yet to surface. It is only once we are acquainted with what is first visible, that we are able to dive deeper.

Post heart-massage bath at Karsa Spa, Ubud, Bali