Boundaries vs Expectations: The Missing Link

The root of all problems is expectations. This is a statement that was made to me in a conversation that I was having about why relationships (professional, personal, intimate or otherwise) deteriorate. As someone who is continually and actively working to establish improved boundaries in my life, this type of statement made me physically recoil; from the depths of me up through to the exterior. I had difficulty reconciling: How can I have boundaries for myself but not have expectations of other people?

Of course any time I have that type of visceral reaction to something, it usually means that I have work to do there. I started taking a closer look. The universe, that cheeky vixen, gave me plenty of opportunities to wrestle with this question.

After months of coming back to this question and awkwardly trying to hold as true the concepts of having boundaries but not having expectations of others, I came across a statement around the standards we have for ourselves. I had an ah-ha moment: standards. Standards may be the missing link in the boundaries vs expectation equation. The difference between what expectations are and what standards are allows us to set boundaries. Expectations are external. They represent what we put on others; our belief about how they will behave. Standards on the other hand are internal. Standards are the criteria by which we allow ourselves to be treated. By having standards, you are able to uphold your own boundaries. The concept of standards helped me build a tentative bridge in my mind to more comfortably hold both the ideas of boundaries and no expectations in the same space.

Digging into this a little more, I want to share where my paradigm shift happened around releasing me from judgement; judgement of others and of myself. Say for example, I have an expectation of my friend that she will call me every day and she does not, then I start to feel resentment that my expectations were not met and I may judge her and her priorities. However, imagine instead that I have a standard for myself that I need to receive a phone call from my friend every day, but I do not have an expectation of my friend that she will meet this. This is where the shift was for me: If my friend does not meet my standard there is no judgement from me. I am not disappointed that my friend is not able to deliver on my daily phone call and in fact I am more able to be generous with my assumptions. Maybe there is something going on in my friend's life that prevents her from being able to call me. The gap between my standard and where my friend is at is the magic space I was looking for when I was trying to reconcile expectations being 'the root of all problems' while also trying to be better at establishing my own boundaries. This space is where I have room to do an assessment of whether this is a person that I will choose to continue having in my life on an ongoing basis without judgement of them.

Through having standards for ourselves, we can establish what our boundaries are. Those who do not meet our standards about how we are to be treated do not have the permission to be in our lives. In this way it creates space for the other person as well. It does not make them wrong for being where they are and yet, it gives us permission to choose ourselves. I am not someone who holds absolutes when it comes to how I view the world, so I usually frame it in my mind that if things change for the person and they are able to meet my standards, I will reconsider letting them back in my life. This leaves lots of gray area for me, which makes me feel more comfortable, while still allowing me to move forward. Others may be more black and white on this and truly would never be able to move past whatever the scenario was. That is totally okay. The important thing is to know yourself and honour your truth.

Understanding that others have standards as well gives me permission when I am unable to meet their standards, which of course happens. It does not make me wrong or bad it just means I am where I am. Again it allows me to choose me and respect that the other person must do the same.

Have you every found yourself wrestling with the concepts of having better boundaries but not having expectations?

How does where I have positioned standards in the boundaries vs expectations equation resonate for you?

Feel free to comment below. If boundaries, standards and expectations are areas that you want support in working with than contact me directly via the contact page.

Just a couple of additional side notes that I wanted to mention:

I did not go in to communicating the standards you have in a relationship and the boundaries around them in this post as I really wanted to wrestle with standards. I am making a broad assumption that in the example I gave of my friend that standards had been communicated. Often this is not the case and will be discussed in a later post.

How you set your standards is up to you. These are typically established by what you need from a particular relationship in order to feel fulfilled. We could discuss setting standards that are lower than what we really need for fulfillment in a later post as well since this is the source of much pain, especially for women leaders I have worked with.

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Standards, the missing link in establishing boundaries but not having expectations of others.

Rock wall around an altar on a former commune near Gananoque, ON