'How Are You?' Question or Greeting?
"How are you?"
It’s a common question that some of us utter many times per day. Actually in Canadian culture it is more of a greeting than a question.
The list of acceptable responses usually range from “I’m fine” to “Good. Thanks” to any other 2 syllable response. If someone expresses more than that, we usually get busy in our heads wondering what the heck we are going to say in response, as they are still speaking. Or wondering when they are going to wrap it up, so that we can get to the real purpose of our interaction - we just do not have time for this.
Yesterday I had a simple interaction that had a massive impact for me in relation to this question. I had the opportunity to sit in circle with a small group of women, only one of whom I had met before. To open the circle, we were each given 4 minutes to give an update on ourselves. "You know, how you are, how you are feeling," the host explained. Of course, I went straight into my head and began to wonder what on earth I was going to say. Then, as the first woman started speaking, I decided to put that aside. I would figure it out when it came to me. After all, the quick mental risk assessment I had done upon arrival, pegged this group as a seemingly non-threatening group of women who wouldn't hold it over me if I said the 'wrong' thing. I tuned in to what the speaker was saying. Like really paid attention. I let her words really sink in to me and felt the energy behind them. Then she finished and the next speaker started. I shifted my attention and I let her words sink in. I felt what was under them and I allowed that emotion to sit in the space between us. Then it was my turn. I went quiet. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned inward to check out what was there. Then I started to speak about what I found inside. No one questioned it. No one needed clarification. They just all sat there looking at me with a soft supportive gaze devoid of any question or judgement. Then, when I felt I had said everything I needed to, I indicated I was finished and the circle moved on. The circle wrapped up fairly quickly, even though it did not feel that quick, because I was so 'in it.' As it turned out, nobody took their allotted 4 minutes. In fact, nobody spoke longer than 2 minutes.
It occurred to me that I did not understand everything the other women were saying when they gave their updates. I understood the words they were saying, yes, but I did not understand their words tied to a larger context and all the complexities behind what they were saying. Basically, I did not understand the MEANING of what they were saying and here's the thing, I did not need to. I was able to relax the need to really have clarity, because I did not feel any pressure to respond. I realized nothing was served by me "getting" what she was saying so I just sat and listened without agenda. And because I did not have an agenda, the person speaking felt heard. I felt heard. That was enough. Just being given the space to turn inward, check out what was there, and then speak it aloud, cleared the space for me to be able to participate fully in the circle for the rest of the evening. I was amazed.
I marveled in how good it felt to be listened to in that way, by near strangers. And how little time it took for each of us to share our piece. I wondered what would the world be like if "How are you?" once again became a question, instead of a greeting. What if everyone could hear and be heard by each other, stranger or not as they responded to that simple question? It occurred to me, could changing the world be that easy?
Journal Prompts
How do you usually respond to the question: “How are you?” Why is this your go-to?
What would it feel like to take a minute to breath and turn inward when asked this question and respond with what is really going on inside of you? How would you need to feel in order to feel comfortable to respond this way?
Is there someone in your life that you respond to with your usual go-to (question 1) that you might consider responding to with more depth (question 2)? Who would this be? How do you think this shift might change your relationship?